Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
