I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
