That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
