Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize