my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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