Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
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