i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize