I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
