If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
