Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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