your parents love me but you hate me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
