She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
