so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
