cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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