Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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