Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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