I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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