From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
