We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
