you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We were destined to go to rehab together
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
