Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
is that a dick in a sweater?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
