Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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