Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
