I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
