It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
