I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize