That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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