dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
