The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
