Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i dont even know how to be here
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize