I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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