allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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