she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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