She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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