Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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