I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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