11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
