Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
