Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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