I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
