3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Who put my cat in the fridge?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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