Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
