bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
