My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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