Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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