I accidentally had phone sex last night
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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