I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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