omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
