I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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