I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
