I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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