So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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