Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My liver just broke up with me...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Randomize