I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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