woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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