i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
