I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The maid of honor just puked.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
