The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
