I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
